Home | Charis Buckland

It’s the time of year for getting together with families and connecting with people we may not see all the time. We do not live near family, so we do a lot of FaceTime calls.

Everyone longs to belong and everyone wants to feel wanted. Every preschooler wants to get in close to see the book at story time and every grandmother wants to feel their thoughts and gifts are valued somewhere. This is why restaurant establishments sell out of special cups at a crazy rate and people wait in line (or online) for the latest toy fad. If other people have it, we feel we are a part if we have it too. Everyone wants to belong.

It is obviously important to establish deep connections to children to maintain that connection when they grow up. When they leave home and the relationship changes and grows, the closeness will look different but the connection will remain. 

Some of you may feel you have lost connection with a little one, teenager, or even adult kid. It’s never too late to reestablish connection. I find it easier to connect with my preschoolers than it is with my middle schooler. I can read a book, give a cup of milk, and cozy up with them, and we’re good to go. As they grow older, it requires more intentionality and creativity.  Working a puzzle is another fun way with younger ones.

Personally, we look for ways to serve others in our community like friends and neighbors in areas we are good at and ways we can work. I have a sewing machine and embroidery machine, so I can make a tea towel for a sick friend or embroider a shirt for a little one next door. This is one way my kids and I connect. We make simple projects for their friends for birthdays or just because. Even the boys can help me pick out a thread color for a friend’s shirt (we did that yesterday) or help me find the right size shirt and tell me what design they like. We have fun wrapping it and delivering it too. 

We can establish connection in many different ways and it is unique to each person.

Remembering: When someone remembers an important test I have been worried about, I feel so loved. Calling an adult kid about a job interview just to ask how they felt it went goes a long way. Asking a little one what fun activities they did in Sunday School always gets fun and interesting responses. Often these questions are asked while hanging on the monkey bars or eating lunch. Even if the answers are one word or short, they know they are loved, simply because they were asked. 

Put yourself in their world: It may not be your “thang,” but take an interest and learn what they are into. The big girls take ballet, and this year, Brett and I are in The Nutcracker again for the third time and Deacon will participate too! He is thrilled! We have so much fun and never imagined participating in this way, but it has become incredibly special in our home each year.

We even decorate the dining area as the Land of Sweets for Jenna and Raegan’s December birthdays. I am embroidering Nutcracker shirts for all the kids. The boys get a nutcracker, a soldier, and the rat king on theirs.

Keep up with their friends: This seems to become more important the older they get. Let them invite friends over and talk to them. Ask their friends about their lives before they go play outside or watch a movie. Know about their families. Later, ask your own kids how their friends are doing. Not all friends are good influences, and I realize that. Keep communication open about anything that may not align with your family’s rules or beliefs. Show them how to love people who may not agree on all beliefs while standing firm in your own. 

Call just to say hello: Especially with older kids, send a quick sticky note in their lunch box. Or draw a happy face on a banana every once in a while. If a little one is playing independently, ask what they’re doing and join them for a few minutes. Take a few moments here and there when they least expect it. Have a popsicle on the patio between work calls. Any small amount of time adds up over time and these are the moments we remember. 

Ask what they think: Share lyrics to a popular song they hear and ask their opinion of it. Ask how it aligns with what God says and allow them to think through it. It opens up great conversations to share beliefs and God’s Truth. It’s a calm way to discuss any topic! 

It’s important to remember we are only in charge and able to control what we do, not how others respond. It might take some time to connect with a child and that’s ok. Ask God for help and He will give you the strength to keep going. 

Many times I think I need to have a grandiose set up and a large amount of time, and take 100 photos and get the setting right. I am realizing that it’s not about that. Life is not pinterest perfect. It’s really just important to give them the time. There might be tears or a fight or an exploding diaper or pushing, and this is what makes God’s grace sweet.

Yesterday we created our annual Thanksgiving Tree where we dip hands in finger paint and make leaves on butcher paper and write what we are thankful for leading up to Thanksgiving.

I am a little late this year. Honestly, I was kind of dreading getting the paint out, putting on paint smocks, taking pictures of each person, picking colors, and taping it to the floor. I think I need to make it such a big deal, when they don’t notice those things. They just notice we did it.

It was freeing to limit it to two colors, only take one photo of each kid, dip Maddox’s feet instead of hands, which is easier to clean off with a baby wipe.

We didn’t spend even 30 minutes doing it, but it was short, sweet, and to the point. Whew! Not everything has to be elaborate, which is a burden lifted to me! Do the most you can with the time and resources you have. 

It’s also important to remember that even when we feel we aren’t connecting, we may actually be making more of an impact than we think. Research shows that, contrary to popular belief, most teenagers gain more knowledge and beliefs from what their parents believe than their friends. They are listening and watching. Keep “speaking the truth in love” and watch for growth in relationships (Ephesians 4:15). How do you connect? Talk soon!

Love,
Charis 

Pic(k) of the day: When your mom is really annoying and wants to take your picture at the pumpkin patch and you want no part of it…