relationships part one: equality

Hello all of you! I wish I could gather you friends together with some comfy couches, blankets, warm socks, and have a conversation together in my living room. This topic is important to me, so having a heart-to-heart over some food would be so much fun! Since we can’t do this, take a moment to have a seat and relax with me through writing!

Through the years of working in student ministry, many Christian teenagers find themselves in relationships with students who do not value their relationship with God as much as the other person. There is so much to be said on this topic, I could write for days. This topic applies to adults in addition to students. Many students date to have someone and to fill a void in their lives. Some date people whom they have no intention of every marrying. Some date to have a good time.

For everything in life, we should begin with God’s Word, so the following verse is particularly pertinent to this topic:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

Loving God first sets the foundation for life. Our love for Him and depending on His guidance keeps us safe and helps us make wise choices. Love for God determines every part of life including school, relationships, jobs, friendships, and life decisions. Daily choices are influenced by our love for the Lord and whether we are growing in our relationship with Him. We should probably evaluate our mindset for dating. Why are we dating in the first place? There are many opinions such as to kiss dating goodbye or courtship is the only way. All have relevant points, but I think it is important to provide thoughts for you to process for yourself. Let us evaluate the main purpose for dating, which is to eventually marry that person.

If we date someone who is not in the same place we are spiritually, it makes marriage incredibly difficult. I have seen it cause problems with people in the dating stage in student ministry and in counseling sessions with married people. Since our view of God (our Christian worldview) sets the standard for how we live our lives, it is difficult to function in the same house as someone who views the world differently, no matter how much we love them.

God desires for purity in all areas of our lives. We often think of the physical purity aspect, but we can stay pure in other ways as well. Spiritual purity is a difficult concept, but when we date people who are in the same place we are with God, they are watching out for our best interests and understand us saving even ourselves spiritually for our husbands too. Dating a spiritually mature person also allows us to stay pure in our speech and behavior - how we speak to and relate to others. They encourage us to act like Jesus and be a light to the world, even when it is tough.

It is easier to wait on a man (or woman) of God than to date for the sake of having someone to date. Many couples find themselves in counseling trying to reconcile fundamental differences regarding ways to raise children, religious preferences, political views, and family member roles after marriage because they are not aligned spiritually. For teenagers, some parents think it is harmless for their young ones to date people even when not aligned spiritually. It can be incredibly dangerous.

It is easier for the less mature person to bring down the more mature individual, leading to impurity and, honestly, just heartache. No teenager needs more heartache than is already bound to happen anyway! Every time someone engages in a relationship with someone, they give a piece of their heart to them. This can be painful when the relationship sours, especially for someone as young as a teenager with the stage of brain development. It can seem like the end of the world to them – a terrible place to be for them and difficult for a parent to try to pick up pieces from.

Teenagers, especially should have parental guidance with whom to date and how serious to be. There is no formal blueprint or answer. I can only guide my girls by my prayers for them, my experience in counseling, and work with teenagers in student ministry. As a general principal, most teenage relationships, no matter how serious, do not work out. In fact, research shows less than one percent of high school couples actually end up married. If so much time, effort, and heart is put into a relationship that does not last, some important friendships and experiences could potentially be missed!

I encourage you to encourage your children (or sisters and friends) to hold out for a hero! Be particular about who you date! Open conversation with your friends or with your children if you have them, about guarding their hearts. Even if you are a teenager yourself, you can be the friend to give sound Godly wisdom to a friend.

Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Proverbs 4:23

One visual I use with clients and with students is the triangle with God as the top. As a girl and guy grow closer to God, they will grow closer to each other as well. This is the spiritually healthy way to date. Does this special person encourage you to grow with God? I hope this has provided some thinking for you! More to come! Love you all!

Love,

Charis