cliques and stuff

Well, it has been an eventful 2022 so far! We have welcomed Baby Krew to our family on January 6! I will share the story of getting to the downtown Nashville hospital in a snowstorm and about all the wonderful firefighters and state troopers we met along the way and getting picked up by an ambulance on I-65!

On the way to the hospital in downtown Nashville, we ended up in standstill traffic due to accidents on the slippery roads. We had to call for an ambulance to. make it to the hospital. During the wait, we met the kindest "community helpers" as we say at home, and really appreciated their concern and enjoyed their company!

An unexpected over three weeks early, he was born a preemie, so I have learned a lot about how to take care of these early arrivals! We have been feeding him every 90 minutes in order to help him gain weight. It has been extended to every two hours, so for that we are grateful. If there are any typographical errors in this blog, you know why. I really have no expectation of going to bed these days, so my eyes are glazed but we are all still rocking it at home! I have spent a large amount of time watching Backstreet Boys music videos on YouTube in the middle of the night to keep myself awake! Random, I know, but I loved them then and I love them now!

With this added awake time these days, I have read about cliques and even talked to a friend about feeling left out. Everyone wants a place to belong and feel included but life just is not that way all the time, is it? You might have been told you could not play with someone on the playground, you might have heard about a slumber party you were not invited to, or sitting alone for lunch at the office. Most everyone has felt this way and of course, it is not fun. I have been there, too…

“Will you move over, Lindsay is sitting there,” she said as she looked for her friend. “Sure,” I replied as I picked my fragile 15 year old self esteem off the floor and moved down at youth choir. My bruised ego frantically looked around for one of my friends so I would not feel so awkward sitting by myself there in the large choir room at church. This was me circa 2000. The worst existence for me at the time would be to sit alone and feel like a loser. I have come a long way and actually enjoy sitting by myself at times, but I can still feel the pain from that experience among others that caused my self-esteem to tank. Cliques are tough.

“It was so fun last night,” they said as they discussed the slumber party they had on Saturday night during small group on Sunday morning. More than once, I heard about a slumber party from girls at church in my small group on Sunday mornings. Yes, they all went to the same school, and I went to a different one, but I still would have loved to be invited.

“Don’t be friends with her,” Meg said to another girl at church. I will take it back to first grade here and remember how said I felt after that comment. Meg and I were friends…until we weren’t. All of a sudden I was not cool enough to hang out with her and she wanted nobody to hang out with me.

Yes, cliques are tough. Elementary school cliques may have been more in your face, and you may actually hear the words, “I don’t want to be friends with you.” As we age, it may become more undercover and surreptitious, where it cannot necessarily be proven.

Have any of you ever heard, “Will you move down, someone else is going to sit there,” or “I don’t want to play with you,” or “I can’t be friends with you”? Yes, it is pretty painful and it starts super early, am I right? I have heard all these in my life and then some. Girl world is great, but can be hurtful at the same time. Feeling left out can be equated with physical pain, which is totally true. I feel like that is important for my counseling clients to know in order to validate their feelings. Feeling left out is hurtful!

It broke my heart the first time my own daughter experienced the, “You can’t play with us” comment before she even started kindergarten. Why do girls have to be so mean? This situation is nothing new and has been going on since the beginning of mankind! Shall we remember poor Hannah, wife of Elkanah, who prayed for a baby, and was made to feel worthless by Elkanah’s other wife, Peninah? Hannah could not have children (until God blessed her with Samuel), so can you just imagine how she felt, especially with Peninah’s attitude (1 Samuel 1)

Over the years I have learned I cannot control what anyone else does, I can only control my own behavior. I share that with my own little people at home and with clients I see in counseling. It relieves a lot of pressure when I realize I must give it to God since I cannot control others. It may not be easy, but it feels much better than feeling stressed about trying to fix other “mean girls” who may leave others out.

What do we do though? How do we help ourselves overcome cliques? Let us be honest, cliques do not magically go way after middle school, high school, or college. It is quite likely you have experienced feeling left out even recently! I have definitely been there.

God instruct us to be kind, compassionate, and loving to others. As a believer, when we look outside ourselves and seek to serve others in the name of Jesus, we honor God AND have no time to feel sorry for ourselves!

In social settings, do we seek to include others in what we do or do we avoid asking someone new to join a group of friends?

Do we stay on our phones until someone we know walks in?

Do we look for other girls who are sitting alone?

Do we keep from asking a new girl to participate in a group outing because someone in the group does not want anyone new?

Have we asked someone to move so we could sit by someone else?

Since we cannot control what others do, what can we do ourselves to represent Christ and make a few new friends along the way?

Look around for opportunities to love someone. Notice someone behind their cell phone or sitting alone eating lunch at school or in the office at work.

Reach out to neighbors at your house, dorm or apartment, if you know they are sick, have a new baby, or move in.

Send cards to those who need some encouragement or leave a note on the whiteboard outside their dorm room.

SMILE at people when passing them in hallways at school or work.

Ask someone how THEY are - people feel super loved when asked about themselves.

Sometimes I am in the mood where I just want to be asked how I am doing instead of asking someone else and making the effort first. I get it. It can be tiring. Let us make this the year that we “never get tired of doing good (Galatians 6:9).” If we wait for someone else to approach us first, we may miss out on a good conversation or good friend and we will stay in “that mood.” Let us make this the year that we reach out and truly love people and help keep the cliques away.

Love,

Charis

Let us not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don’t give up.

Galatians 6:9