Home | Charis Buckland

Hello there! Pick up your coffee or tea and let’s chat. It’s been a long and challenging spring! Happy birthday to Izzy Grace as she turned the big three!

We also celebrated the resurrection of Jesus!

Pick up a Hannah Montana Pop Star Refresher!

I’d love to sit with each of you and hear your stories. I’d love to share with you too! Let me start with Scripture that has totally changed meaning for me over the past few months. Psalm 23. I always thought of it as a funeral passage, which seems depressing to me, so I have never really paid much attention to it. After the children’s book I mentioned recently, this passage has meant everything to me and helped me understand a little different perspective on Who God is. 

The Lord is my shepherd; 
I have what I need.
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He lets me lie down in green pastures;
He renews my life; 
He leads me along the right paths
for His name’s sake.
Even when I go through the darkest valley,
I fear no danger; 
or You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff – they comfort me.

The children’s book shows a little lamb in the darkness. Sometimes we feel like this. All alone. In the dark. Like nobody is there. Like nobody understands. Even when our fears don’t disappear, we can rely on God and refuse to let fear take control. When we are in dark and scary places, He knows where we are.

There has been a lot of worry and fear in the past months since December. At my 20 week anatomy scan, fluid was found on Baby’s brain. After tests over the next few months, we learned that he was diagnosed with a rare disorder that causes fluid not to drain properly which caused a cyst on the brain, which caused excess fluid build up, which prevents brain growth among other issues. They sent me to specialists for the remainder of pregnancy and apologized because “Baby is not going to make it.” Specialists every three weeks with bad news every time and weekly ultrasounds were in complete contrast to the other children, when ultrasounds were happy occasions as we looked forward to meeting a new life with a unique personality and plan for life.

I have never been asked if I wanted to continue a pregnancy, but I was asked several times. My practicum for counseling in seminary was at a crisis pregnancy resource center where I advocated for life every day. This real life situation made me choose to act on what I said I believe – that life is precious and every life matters. I said no to termination because I have no right to determine the length of anyone’s life. In that moment, I knew this would be an excruciatingly difficult road. Every day I wondered if his heart would still beat. If he did live, what would it look like? He was diagnosed with an incredibly rare disorder with little research to know what to expect. He has a cyst or fluid on his brain which causes the brain to be stifled in growth due to the excess fluid. This causes possible vision and hearing problems among other issues. Mainly the brain growth or lack thereof, is the biggest concern.

Because his head was so swollen, even though his body was small, he was born on April 15, just under 37 weeks. I had to have a C-section for the first time too, which I wasn’t happy about. I didn’t get to see him because at birth, he was born in respiratory failure and was put on a ventilator. I was so sad I didn’t get to be with him until that evening and even then, couldn’t hold him until the next day with help from a respiratory therapist to hand him to me. So many needles, so many pokes, so many tubes and cords. Nobody wants to see anybody, especially a newborn in such a state. I remember walking into the NICU for the first time and he was peacefully lying in his little panda warmer bed facing away from the door all by himself. I could just see the back of his sweet baby head wrapped in his blanket. 

I hated leaving him to go back to my room. There was no skin-to-skin peaceful moments after birth, since it was a mad rush to save his life. There was no holding him in the stillness of the middle of the night when the world is asleep but I soak in every sweet moment. We stayed for four days and in that time, he had an MRI and EEG. After his MRI, we were told the devastating news that he would never be able to sustain nutrition because his brain would not allow him to feed himself. 

Through all these difficulties, friends from church took care of the other kids and made them feel special in the middle of chaos and strange circumstances. My friend from out of town even took time out of her life to bring her kids and stay two nights for his delivery! There are no words to thank every single person who has been present and listened to God for direction. I am also thankful to those who came to visit me personally in the hospital! Nobody wants to drive downtown, especially to hang out in a hospital!

We had sweet nurses connected to our church who decorated his NICU room doors. 

I also came prepared to decorate with a family photo so he would know who his people are. We also had flowers from friends to brighten there room as well.

I have never felt so distraught and helpless in my life. What should be an amazingly joyful time was sad beyond words. The births of all my other kids birthday were truly celebratory birthday parties to meet a new human being! This time, every time I looked at Griffin, I knew it could be the last moment I spent with him. I held him and instead of being content and joyful, it was the deepest pain I have ever experienced. I didn’t want to just cry everyday. I wondered when the pain would let up. 

After discussion with medical professionals, we took him home on Hospice to spend every moment possible with him and to introduce him to friends and family. I would rather spend time with him at home than leave him in the NICU alone if the end result would be the same. They noted a shunt might be too traumatizing for him. We wanted him to have every moment of a full Buckland experience. It was truly stressful to feel the need to make every moment count when life happens. Kids argue, people need showers, ballet lessons run, the cat pukes, and regular life happens. I was also tired and sore with hormones crashing. No time for that, though! 

My wonderful friend arranged for a photographer to come the first week he was home to capture a family photo of us all together. I am forever grateful.

All the children knew Baby Griffin was sick all along. They knew we were praying for his life and that God might decide to take him to be healed in heaven where he would not suffer or be sick anymore. Even when we brought him home, everyone knew age-appropriately that he was still sick and he might get to meet Jesus first and be healed there instead of on earth. They knew that we must trust God for Griffin’s life.

He made it to his birthday party at church that Saturday. In effort to meet important people in our lives, we wanted him to have a chance to meet his church family. We were able to have a birthday party in our student building to celebrate life and the gift from God it is! We can celebrate every day that God gives us. For Griffin, we knew his days were limited, so we wanted him to have a birthday party and meet his people! Life is a great reason to celebrate anyway! In the middle of anxiety and darkness, it was a bright day. It was wonderful to see people love each other as well. The family of God is truly a blessing.

Even though I was told it was not necessary to take him to the pediatrician, I did. I respect this lady so much. She prayed over him. We elected to put in a shunt to allow fluid to drain and give God an opportunity to do miracles. 

In the middle of all this uncertainty and life or death situations at the hospital for this precious life this first week, there is also the rest of life that doesn’t stop. I felt really guilty that I am neglecting the other kids and that their schedule is so out of the ordinary. Did I mention my body is all postpartum and my emotions are all over the place? Still trying to normalize life for everyone and do regular stuff…

After praying and talking, and Griffin had sustained a week at home, we decided on a Wednesday to take him out of Hospice for neurosurgery to give him a chance at life and give God an opportunity to do something great. We had met with neurosurgeons before birth but had no appointment for surgery, so it looked like we might wait indefinitely. I will continue the story in the next blog.

Let’s remember that our time on earth is short and our days are limited. Yes, Griffin’s life was called uncertain; but all of our lives are uncertain. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. When we reflect on how temporary our lives are, we can make wise choices about how to spend our time. Let’s not take a single breath for granted. Let’s ask God to help prioritize people and our time. Let’s make the most of the life we have been given. “Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts” (Psalm 90:12).

Also, when pain is overwhelming, we can call out to God. I know what it feels like to dread waking up and seeing the sunshine. I know what it feels like to just barely make it through a day and wonder how I’m going to make it through the next. My friend sent me this verse the Sunday of Griffin’s birthday week. “Out of the depths I call to You, Lord! Lord, listen to my voice; let Your ears be attentive to my cry for help” (Psalm 130:1-2). Keep going, sweet friends! 

Love,
Charis 

pic(k) of the day: When you get a new sleeper that just belongs to you and not a hand-me-down, it feels so good!